Lessons on being Alone

I became a dog mom again, about a month ago. Dog mom is a phrase I resisted with Mint, my first dog, but then came to embrace. I adopt dogs because I like mothering. Taking care of another living thing is perhaps what makes my soul sing its highest most vibrant pitch. I have tried to resist this. I don't want to be the feminist who "only dreams about being a mom". But I don't know, these last few years I have sort of said fuck it, maybe being a mom is the most feminist thing I can do. I don't have the opportunity to have kids right now. I hope I do one day. But right now, I have the opportunity to be a dog mom. For a variety of reasons I am not drawn to the energetic puppy life. The ones that draw me in tend to be tiny, feeble, and weird. They are missing teeth, or hair. They are really skinny or really fat. They waddle and snarfle and sleep hard -- with mouths open and tongues out. All the factors that make them undesirable somehow have the opposite effect, making them only more loveable.

My newest love is named Carrot Cake. She is only 5lbs but actually may be a little overweight. She has zero teeth, and stage 2 kidney disease. I work in human health care, but I am learning about low phosphorous, low sodium diets through dog food companies. She sleeps with her tongue hanging out of her mouth a bit, so a few hours into the night she wakes up hacking because it is all dried out. I keep water next to my bed now, and wake up to hold it out to her to drink. She is scared of almost everything including laminate floors which may rank near the top. When I first welcomed her to my apartment -- her new home -- she took two steps in and froze. I thought she was sad, but she was just slipping. I immediately bought her a 13 foot rug. Things like the rug and the water would have sounded crazy to me a month ago, now to not do it would be more insane.

Scarier than laminate floors, is being alone. My other dog stayed at home sleeping without batting an eye. I just assumed I could do the same with CC. I bought her a tempur pedic dog bed, an indoor pee pad, and so many blankies. I built a ramp to my couch. I made my apartment so damn comfortable any dog would want to stay over. But my first day of work she barked for 14 hours straight. My second day, a neighbor left a respectful but clearly angry note, informing me that she barked for 14 hours straight -- and was still barking. When she is with me, she makes zero sound. But becomes this shrill fount of endless disruption when by herself.

"Separation anxiety" the dog blogs said. My instagram community said the same thing along with casual judgments that OBVIOUSLY she will be anxious and I would be unreasonable to expect otherwise. She was just SEPARATED from her lifetime owner, placed in a weird dog orphanage, and told to go on with her life. In one afternoon I went from thoughts of planning my indefinite future with Carrot, to wondering if I would have to give her back. I felt stupid for thinking it could go smoothly, stupid for even hoping to own a dog. Mostly, I felt frustrated. When she is with me, she sleeps 20 hours a day. Why couldn't she just be calm by herself? 

In my anguish of trying to keep her quiet, arrange her care, work my normal job -- I realized I am going through my own dog orphanage. I have just moved back to a city I love, but with very few people I love nearby. I have a life that is at times very full and at other times very quiet. It can be peaceful solitude, but also utter loneliness. My manifestations of fear of being alone are more societally tailored than Carrot's, and held in check by a slightly more evolved frontal lobe. But sometimes, I am basically barking for 14 hours myself. And yet, being annoyed a small, less evolved being (sorry CC) is not able to do the same. 

I think we are making progress, me and Carrot. Now, she sometimes just sits and stares at the door for many minutes before starting to bark. I have found care for her during my work days, until she is more settled. But, I know she will never not long to be in the comfortable presence of someone she loves. She will just learn how to pass the excruciating time between those presences. And frankly, I can relate.